*this post is originally from my blog, Head in The Game on 6/11/2018. 

For most people, those two words may bring up lots of negative, unwanted memories, of summers spent avoiding books that they didn’t connect with, procrastinating on paper writing, or time spent reading books they didn’t want to when they could have been doing something they found more enjoyable.

This year, the school I work at is doing something different with our student summer reading assignments. We are letting the students pick their own book to read. We are hopeful this will not only change their view on summer reading, but also give us insight to who they are are people, a glimpse into their passions and personalities.

Helping students find books to read over the summer has been an enjoyable way to connect with them the last few weeks of school. I started to curate lists of titles that appeared to excite different students so I was prepared when the next walked in. Now that school is out, I wanted to create a list of books for you - parents, coaches, athletic trainers, athletes- in hopes of inspiring and connecting with you.
​
Each of these books impacted me in some way. Each served a different purpose in my life.

Author - Kate Fagan 
If I had to pick one book from this list that I believe everyone should read, it would be this one.

​I started listening to this book (audible is great you guys - get your first two books free!) on my commute to internship, and had to continue it on my walks with Roscoe because it resonated with me so much and I couldn’t wait to learn more. Madison was a runner at UPenn and died by suicide. By all accounts, she had it all, everything she had ever wanted, except for happiness. This book provides insight in to her life and the events leading up to her death, and how social media impacted Maddy and those close to her. It challenges the way we view mental health in athletics, and in society as a whole. ​I plan to use this book with future clients to let them know they are not alone. 

Synopsis: If you scrolled through the Instagram feed of 19-year-old Maddy Holleran, you would see a perfect life: a freshman at an Ivy League school, recruited for the track team, who was also beautiful, popular, and fiercely intelligent. This was a girl who succeeded at everything she tried, and who was only getting started. ​(read more)

Author- Michele Borba 
This book was suggested to me last summer by a highly respected colleague and I am so thankful. The author argues that empathy is the most important skill we can teach children in today’s world. Teaching empathy though, is no easy feat. It is something I try and instill in each student who sits in my Freshman Seminar classroom, but I am constantly at war with the world outside my four walls, a world that can be so terrifying, mean and the opposite of empathetic. Dr. Borba provides nine basic strategies that help children “navigate the emotional minefields and ethical challenges” they experience every day. This book focuses not only on the importance of the family system and dynamic inside the home, but also the influence schools can have on children. It is a must read for all those who play a role in developing children and adolescents, or who need a little help with empathy themselves.

Synopsis: Hailed as “an absolute must-read” (Jean Twenge) and a book that “will change your kids’ lives” (Jack Canfield), UnSelfie by Dr. Michele Borba explains what parents and educators MUST do to combat the growing empathy crisis among children today—including a 9-step empathy-building program with tips to guide kids from birth through college, and beyond. Teens today are forty percent less empathetic than they were thirty years ago. Why is a lack of empathy—which goes hand-in-hand with the self-absorption epidemic Dr. Michele Borba calls the Selfie Syndrome—so dangerous? (read more)

Author - Jess Lahey
The Gift of Failure was a faculty summer reading book a few years back and is one that I often refer back to. Lahey is an experienced middle school and high school teacher who has two teenagers of her own. In this book, she explains how letting children fail, and grow from the experience, is more important than helping them avoid failure. Lahey does a wonderful job of explaining to readers that even with the best intentions, doing things for children that they could do independently and helping them find success and avoid failure are cultivating a sense of dependence and blocking independence and competence.

Lahey does all this in such a human way. Instead of lecturing from a “better than thou” place, she puts herself right in the mix, as a parent and someone who has been guilty of these things often. I found this book valuable, even as someone who does not have their own children, because I, as a teacher/athletic trainer, often have the tendency to “rescue” my students thinking I am doing the right thing.

Synopsis: In the tradition of Paul Tough’s How Children Succeed and Wendy Mogel’s The Blessing of a Skinned Knee, this groundbreaking manifesto focuses on the critical school years when parents must learn to allow their children to experience the disappointment and frustration that occur from life’s inevitable problems so that they can grow up to be successful, resilient, and self-reliant adults. Modern parenting is defined by an unprecedented level of overprotectiveness: parents who rush to school at the whim of a phone call to deliver forgotten assignments, who challenge teachers on report card disappointments, mastermind children’s friendships, and interfere on the playing field. (read more)

Author - Ijeoma Oluo
I almost left this off the list. I wasn’t sure if it “fit” with parent’s, coaches, and athletes. But, if I think back on one book that has impacted me the most, this is it. In the world of Colin Kaepernick, and all of the conversations about sports and politics, I started to think it would be negligent to leave it off. This book provides insight in to hard to understand, unless you live it, topics surrounding race and goes deeper, talking about intersectionality, school to prison pipeline and cultural appropriation. Ijeoma Oluo starts each chapter with a challenging, sometimes uncomfortable question, such as, "Why do you think black people are poor? Do you think it's for the same reasons that white people are?" Each question is followed by valuable information that equips the reader to answer, or at least feel comfortable talking about, the question. So You Want To Talk About Race will give you, as parents, coaches, teachers, counselors and influential people, the resources and ability to have challenging, but rewarding and necessary conversations with your children.

Synopsis: In So You Want to Talk About Race, Editor at Large of The Establishment Ijeoma Oluo offers a contemporary, accessible take on the racial landscape in America, addressing head-on such issues as privilege, police brutality, intersectionality, micro-aggressions, the Black Lives Matter movement, and the "N" word. Perfectly positioned to bridge the gap between people of color and white Americans struggling with race complexities​ (read more)

Author - Jon Gorden
The Energy Bus is different than the other books on this list because it is written as a story, a fable of sorts. George, the main character, is having a hard time at home and work. After his car breaks down, he is forced to ride the bus to work and ends up with Joy as his bus driver. Joy helps her riders recognize and understand principles of success that affect every aspect of their lives. This book is a quick read that provides 10 easy to implement, and effective strategies. I appreciated this book because it was written in a manner that allowed me to easily teach these strategies in an understandable way to my students and clients.

Synopsis: The Energy Bus, an international best seller by Jon Gordon, takes readers on an enlightening and inspiring ride that reveals 10 secrets for approaching life and work with the kind of positive, forward thinking that leads to true accomplishment - at work and at home. (read more)

Questions

• What book(s) have been the most influential in your life?
• Are you a fiction or non-fiction person?
• What other books should I add to my list?
  

*This post contains Amazon Affiliate links. I may receive a small commission on purchases. This does not change the cost of the purchase, and occurs at no additional cost to you. I would never recommend products or books that I didn't truly believe in.*

Death. Loss. Mourning. Grief.
​These are all words that have been controlling my thoughts for the past week. 

​​Last Saturday, I went to sleep with an immense amount of sadness after hearing about the passing of James Hampton. James, a teenager from Charlotte, died while playing in an AAU basketball tournament. I could not stop thinking about him, his teammates, his family, and everyone in the gym when he collapsed on the court that day. ​
I continued to think about what they are going through and the amount of strength those teens demonstrated when choosing to stay in Virginia and play on Sunday to honor their fallen teammate. I fell asleep thinking about that loss, completely unaware that I was going be spending the next week grieving my own loss.

On Sunday morning, my Dad called telling me that my Auntie Bridget had died. It was completely unexpected. I was again overcome with that same feeling, a deep sorrow that cannot be explained. I spent the following days remembering my aunt - how beautiful she was, how caring she was, the way her eyes lit up when she talked about her children and grandchild. I grieved her loss in the way I have learned helps me the most, through pictures and stories and recalling my favorite memories.

Grief is nothing new to me. I have lost family, friends, classmates and athletes before. Each time, the grieving process was different. While at the airport waiting on my flight home, I found myself feeling nervous about seeing my dad, my grandmother, and my cousins. I spent an entire semester learning about grief and loss, yet I was still unsure if I would be able to say and do the right things.

Oxford Dictionary defines grief as a deep sorrow, especially that caused by someone's death. My most beloved professor in graduate school described grief as a never-ending roller coaster. 
Grief is a natural and healthy reaction to loss.
While we often think about grief solely in terms of death, it can be experienced after any loss. I explainin this blog post how athletes experience grief after injury. 

Grief looks different for everyone and can be seen in many ways: ​
physical reactions: upset stomach, change in appetite, muscle tension, crying, restlessness, difficulty concentrating, low energy
emotional reactions: sadness, anger, guilt, denial, relief, despair, love, hope, numbness, shock
cognitive reactions: blaming oneself or others, happy memories, wondering about what life will be like without them, worries and regret
spiritual reactions: finding comfort in your faith, questioning your faith, deepening your faith and finding more connections and meaning

​There is no right or wrong way to cope with loss.
Each person will cope with grief differently depending on their life experiences, personality, faith, and the significance of the loss. There is no timetable on grief and healing. For many people healing after a significant loss can take 18 to 24 months, but for others it may be longer or shorter.

Reach out
Reaching out to someone who has experienced a significant loss can be extremely difficult. It can be awkward. You may be unsure of what to say or if they even want to hear from you. You may wait for a few days and then decide that it is too late to say something. Your friends and family need support after experiencing a significant loss. Even the smallest message of concern can make a huge difference.

Listen
We often are so concerned about knowing what to say to a grieving person we forget that
the most important part is knowing how to listen. Many times we try and change the subject, or avoid talking about the deceased because it is uncomfortable, or we may even be afraid we will upset them. The grieving person wants to be heard, telling stories can be therapeutic, and they want to know their loved one will not be forgotten.
Acknowledge their feelings. And accept them. Let the person know you are okay with them crying, or getting angry, or breaking down. This will allow the grieving person a safe place to let out their emotions.
Be okay with silence. Both the grieving persons and your own. Chit chat may help initially but can get annoying really quickly. Be present, offer eye contact, a hand squeeze, a hug, or my favorite – a snack.
Offer comfort without comparison. I was 16 when my friend was murdered. To this day, I still remember when my mom found me sobbing in bed days later. She simply said, “I cannot imagine what you are feeling right now, I have never experienced anything close and I am so sorry.”  My mom’s words meant so much more than those who said they knew how I felt or told me what helped them after the passing of their grandfather peacefully in his sleep. It is okay to share resources that may have helped you in similar experiences, such as books or poems or support groups etc. But remember, no one experiences grief the same, and you will offer much more help by simply listening and allowing them to tell you how they are feeling.

Offer Specific Assistance 

When wanting to let someone know we are there and willing to help, how many of us have said, “Let me know if you need anything.” I am willing to bet all of us have been guilty of this at some point. It can be extremely difficult for a grieving person to ask for help because they already may feel guilty about the attention they have been receiving, they don’t want to burden others, or they may be too exhausted or depressed to reach out. Instead, try offering a specific way you can help, such as “I plan on taking Joe to practice today, let me know if you would like me to feed him after”, “I made lasagna for dinner tonight, let me know a good time to drop it off” or “I am going to the grocery store today, please send me your list.” This makes it easier for the grieving person to accept the help, and you are in control of what assistance you are providing.

Ongoing Support

The grieving process does not stop after the funeral is over, but the majority of the support being offered does.
Staying in touch with the grieving person and checking in periodically after the shock of the loss has worn off can be extremely valuable. Remembering the special days in that person’s life, such as anniversaries, birthdays, major milestones, holidays and reaching out at that time lets the person know you are thinking about them and are there for whatever they need. ​

Watch for complicated grief & depression 

You never truly “get over” the death of a loved one. The sadness and other symptoms may not disappear, but if the symptoms don’t start to fade, or get worse over time, that may be a sign of a more significant problem.  ​

If you observe the following warning signs after the initial grieving period – two or so months – encourage the grieving person to seek professional help.  ​

Questions for you - I would love to here from you!

• What works for you when you are grieving?
• How do you best support your loved ones?
  
• Do you have any books or podcasts related to grieving that you recommend?